bad news never had good timing

i was raised believing that everyone else comes before you. that you should help others before helping yourself, and someday in return someone will help you out when you need it the most. every time i've ever needed somebody, my "friends" all walked away from me. i was left alone in my darkest hour with no one to talk with, or at least no one who wanted to talk. it's upsetting. i've forgiven people time and time again, and they always say "it'll never happen again", but some how it does. i've been thinking about it a lot, and i've realized that none of those people were ever my friends. they used me in a sense so that they could have someone to vent to, someone to give them advice, and someone to always support them, and be on their side. but, when the tables turn, and i need help, they don't feel as if they need to provide, and help me out. i had just kind of accepted that was just how things were going to work out. i thought that was just what i deserved or something...but i'm starting to see that maybe i deserve better.
my current friends are fantastic,
and i love them all dearly
i think i may have finally found a few who aren't in it only for themselves.
i don't plan on changing how i am, and i don't plan on looking down on how i was raised. i'm just going to approach it all a bit differently now.

lost.

i didn't know i went missing.
because i've been here all along.


18 months, 11 days ago.
i almost cried that day.
because i didn't forget.

after a year and a half of unbreakable friendship sisterhood, something broke us apart. to this day, i can't pinpoint what went wrong; maybe it was our lack of trust in each other, or just bad timing, but whatever it was, it sent a dagger through my pathetic little heart and it left me facing the world all on my own. i've never felt more alone actually, but the hardest part was knowing i couldn't fix it.

i regret the things i've said and the things i've done, or let be done. you have to understand that anger, pain, and sadness together, form the ugliest mask, and sometimes my poetic language grows disgusting. For all of that, I do apologize, you didn't exactly deserve it. as far as promises go, i recall them all. i also recall all the times i was let down by those same promises. it sounds unfair, but after a while i began to mistrust the promises.

i miss it on a daily basis.
i miss having someone to talk to.
i miss passing notes.
i miss the photos.
i miss the bestfriend days.
i miss the inside jokes.
i miss the dinosaurs.
i miss the videos.
i miss the teasing.
i miss having a best friend.

we agreed to move on from this.
but i feel like you (metaphorically) died along with our friendship, and that everyday i see the ghost of it. i'm often left wondering how much different things would be if we had stayed bestfriends.
i don't know how, or if it could happen.
but, best friends it's something i definitely like to get back to.

i miss my best friend.
i guess that's all i had to say.

my photobucket is the same way. along with like all of my pictures. i couldn't change them, because that would mean excepting it. & who says i'm happy with these new friends?!?! maybe i just learned to put on a brave front.

the fear.

the realization that you really are alone.

runaway;

story of my life.

my words;

always mean something.
they're open-ended.
they're everlasting.


i have not wasted a single heart.
when i say that i love you,
i genuinely mean it.
granted, i'm probably not in love with you.
i love you,
and that's all that matters.
and with those words,
i've made a lifelong commitment to always be there for you.
whenever, and however i can be.
i promise.
and if you know me at all,
you know i am no promise breaker.


i katelyn schaich, promise to always be there for the ones i love.
you can hurt me endlessly, and tell me of the hatred you feel towards me, but that won't change a thing. i'm still going to be there when you need me, and even when you don't. i've made it my life's goal to help every person i cross paths with. whether it's big or small, i'm not quite sure. i love you, and that's my reasoning for all of my actions.

i can only hope that you might return the favor someday.
i love just about everybody, unconditionally, forever.

i have not wasted a single heart.
i promise.

with love, sunshine.

if I died tomorrow,
I would die full of pity for the emptiness that I'd be causing you.

if I died tomorrow,
I would die full happiness knowing that I was loved by you.

if I died tomorrow,
I would die with a tear streaming down my cheek because I broke THE promise.

if I died tomorrow,
I would die full of regret, knowing that I didn't say everything I should have.

if I died tomorrow,
I would die with bittersweet memories of current friendships, and past ones.

if I died tomorrow,
I would die full of sorrow knowing that I never was able to make you proud.


Things changed when you left me.
I grew up, and I didn't turn out like you had hoped.
All the protection in the world couldn't have helped me from this.
You knew that too.
I chose the wrong path, but I'll be damned if I don't fix it.
I'm not like the others, I was always special.
You told me that everyday.
I promise I'm going to make you proud,
and I promise the next time I cry, it won't be because I'm sad, or because I miss you;
it'll be because I've finally made you the proudest dead man.
you can't tell me, but i'll know.
until we meet again,
i love you.

[&sunshine.]

lessons learned.

friendship:
family you get to chose.
people who are always there for you.
people who will always be on your side.
people who will give you a good slap of reality.
people who can "break down the walls that surround you".

love:
unexplainable.
we're just too young to understand.
"i'm there for you no matter what".
crazy.

a reflection.

so what is it?
i'm not sure yet.
but when i figure it out.
if i figure it out, i'll let you know.

ideas courtesy of
Tibby Tedemet, Lorita Boghospor, Katie Hunt, and Ryan Carpenter.

pressure.

taking the harder route
longer path to follow
still, it’s not good enough.
never good enough for them.

stretching the mind
spending long hours
still, it’s not good enough.
never good enough for them.

trying my hardest
just to please them.
doing what they say
because it’ll be good for me.

still it’s not good enough.
never good enough for them.

time and time again
i work so hard.
eventually i’ll explode!
too much pressure;
too many thoughts;
too much to live up to.

and then, it happens.
all at once!
i don’t know what to do.
my life completely plummets
and i fall into depression.
i’m sorry.
i tried.

the inevitible,

writer's block/

it was just a figment of my imagination.

everything i needed to say.

wanted to say.

was there, all along.

i just needed to channel it.

FIND IT

deep within myself, it was always there.

and now that i've re-imaged my life.

I

AM

OVER

THIS

lies are free, talk is cheap.

enough said.