even if it kills me.

For some reason, I was reflecting on things that have happened in my life and I was thinking about all the good and bad times I've had. I was thinking, what if the person I'm closest to died tomorrow, what would I want them to know before they passed. I know if I knew they were going to die, I'd keep them locked up so nothing bad would happen, but eventually it would. I probably wouldn't say everything to their face, but I'd definitely tell them I loved them. I most likely would end up writing a letter, and would go a little something like this....:

Dear Mom,

First of thank you so much for everything you've ever done for me, and thanks for the unconditional love you've given to me my entire life. Thank you for always being on my side, even when I was wrong and too headstrong to admit it. Thanks for cranking out the cash every time I asked for it. Thanks for teaching me how to cook and bake, and never giving up on me or let me give up when I was no good at it. Thanks for never letting me give up in general. Thanks for always being patient with me, I know I'm slow. Thanks for proof reading every essay and making sure I sounded "super smart". Thanks for trying to sing to me, even though you were no good, I lied and said you were. Sorry Mom, you're a little pitchy. :) Thanks for taking me away from the world that I knew, so we could go shopping, and talk. Thanks for never judging me and always making me feel comfortable and never letting me be shy. :) hahaha You said you tired of shy people in our family. ahah You said it was your mission to make me outgoing, mission accomplished. Thanks for combing my hair even though I screamed and said I hated you, and thanks for not complaining when someone else combed my hair, and I didn't scream at all. I don't know, for some reason you always made it hurt. Thanks for never letting me forget that I was/am a fat baby. Yeah, your pep talks starting with "Stop being a five year old Katelyn", ahh, they cheered me up every time. Thanks for always being there, when it felt like no one else was. Thanks for being my mother, and never denying it. :) I love you for that.
Now, I would like to apologize, starting with every bad thing I've ever done. For every time I yelled at you, and lied to you. I'm sorry that I disappointed you, and I'm sorry I sometimes wasn't good enough, and I'm sorry I was never the best at anything. I'm sorry that I wasn't always aware of the pain you held inside, and I'm sorry I sometimes only added to it. I'm sorry I never practiced my guitar when you told me too, and when I did I only complained about it. I'm sorry my room was never clean enough, and I'm sorry I always took your clothes without asking. I'm sorry I kept things from you, even if they were for your own good. I'm sorry I always called you old, and I'm sorry I bought you anti-wrinkle lotion one year for mothers day. ;] I'm sorry I said you were meaner to me than to Matt and Rissa, the truth is you did more for me than for the other two combined. I'm sorry for every time I complained about your horrible pizza cooking skills and I'm sorry I called you a crazy mexican lady. I'm sorry I made fun of your singing, even though I enjoyed it. I'm sorry that I was never able to do everything you ever wanted me too, because it would be better for me. I'm sorry I always decided to learn the hard way instead of just listening to you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be who you wanted to see, and I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud. One day, I'll live out all of our hopes and dreams and you may not be here to see it, but you'll see it from up there, you'll have the best seat in the house. I know you'll go to heaven, how could God not let you? You lived with me and kept the cursing to a minimum, that's a miracle! I love you mommy, and I'll never forget everything you've ever taught me, and I promise to make you proud, even if it kills me.



my mother is fine, and living.
i promise.
this was all hypothetical. :)