*breathe.

i see your face in my mind as i drive away
cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
people are people
and sometimes we change our minds
but it’s killing me to see you go after all this time

after knowing him for twenty-four months, getting him at six months, leaving him at eight months, ignoring him at twelve months, befriending him at thirteen months, denying feelings for him at fifteen months, admitting i was wrong at eighteen months, listening to him say, “texas isn’t that far away,” at twenty months, and here i sit, in the rain on his front porch at twenty-four months, and i’m finally watching him drive away. i know it’s for the better, but it’s killing me inside. this stupid kid i was “over” months, no a year ago, is leaving me. i can’t help be think of how we met, and i was so foolish, i was only eleven. what do eleven year old know, nothing. we know nothing, but he knew. he knew that there was something out there for us. he was wise beyond hIs years, way too wise for me.

mmm mmm mmm
mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
mmm mmm mmm
mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

i met him at camp, some place in the middle of no where, where i knew no one. he sat next to me on the first day, and he was nice to me. we instantly became friends, and spent an amazing three and a half weeks at camp together. we did everything together, and even put up with people saying we were “boyfriend & girlfriend”. oh, the horror. on the final day of camp, we promised to Meet up as soon as we got home, so we exchanged numbers, and went our separate ways.

music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie
it’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see
cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down
now I don’t know what to be without you around

as soon as i got home that night, there was a message on the machine for me. i felt butterflies take over my stomach, and i could hardly breathe. i sat impatiently at the machine, and was shocked when i heard his voice over the receiver. he said he wanted to meet up, just like we promised we would. he told me to call him, but at that moment i couldn’t even move, let alone call him and carry on a conversation. my parents laughed at me, and Said i was being a baby as they picked up the phone and dialed his number. when he got on the phone all i could say was: uh, er, yeah, uhm, and any variation of the four. we finally had settled on meeting at almaden cinema to see a movie i can’t even recall the title of.

and we know it’s never simple
never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
you’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
and I can’t
breathe
without you
but I have to
breathe
without you
but I have to

as we walked out of the theater, his mother was impatiently waiting to take me home, so she could go watch her soaps. we gOt into the car, and his mother asked where i lived. when i told her the street, his mouth dropped in astonishment. he simply stated, we live on the same street. the car ride home was silent, because we were both speechless. we got to my house, and he walked me to the front door. he gave me a hug, and whispered into my ear, “you know kati, i really like you....”he began to trail off as i backed away. i couldn’t hide my smile, but i tried real hard. before i could reply, his mom honked the car horn, and my dad opened the front door.

never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt
every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
but people are people
and sometimes it doesn’t work out
nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

as i watched his car drive away, i couldn’t understand how anyone, let alone a boy i’ve only known for a month could make me feel this way. i didn’t understand it. i called my cousin up for advice, and being the wise fifteen year old she is, she said it was love. at that moment, i was hooked. i was hooked on love, and loving others and others loving me, whether it was real or not. we hung out for the next five months, before he finally asked me to be his giRlfriend. by that time i was finally eleven and a half, meaning i was more mature, and just better than i was six months ago when we had first met. i figured i could handle this, but only time would tell. i replied with a simple yes, and things were amazing, for a while.

and we know it’s never simple
never easy
ever a clean break, no one here to save me
you’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
and I can’t
breathe
without you
but I have to
breathe
without you
but I have to

all things were good, until two months after we were official, i befriend a new person. a new boy, and we did everything together. soon i just couldn’t manage my time well enough to be friends with both boys, so, i decided the best way to fix things was to end things with my boyfriend. the one who made me feel butterflies when he called, the one who was always there. i cut him loose, and when he was upset, i didn’t understand why. i thought he was being childish, but it was really me all along. i brushed it off, and just went about my life. i figured i didn’t have anything to worry about, i had a new boy in my life, and i knew we could make something for ouRselves. or, at least i hoped we could.

it’s two a.m.
feelin' like I just lost a friend
hope you know it’s not easy
easy for me
it’s two a.m.
feelin’ like I just lost a friend
hope you know this ain’t easy
easy for me

i was twelve years old, and i hadn’t talked to him in a little over five months. he decided to be the bigger person, and give me a call. i didn’t want him to know i was miserable, and i didn’t want him to know that i was waiting for his call. i didn’t want him to know that the boy i left him for never wanted me at all, and that he just said he loved me because he knew that’s what i wanted to hear. i didn’t want him to know he was right, cause he was always right. we called each other often for a month, and we were finally friends again. after two months of friendship, phone calls, and frequent hang outs, he asked me if i still liked him. those silly little butterflies started to come back, and i knew that meant i did. i asked him why, and he said he had something to ask me. i told him to go first, and he’d figure out my reply. i thought i sounded wittY, but he just seemed confused. he took a deep breathe, and asked me if i would come and meet his new girlfriend.

and we know it’s never simple
never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
ohhh

i was horribly speechless, worse than the first time he called me. i couldn’t believe it. i agreed to go and meet her. when i arrived at the mall to meet the girl, i saw him there with her. they were acting like any couple. normally, i wouldn’t have noticed, but because it was him, i did. i didn’t think that i liked him, but i was wrong. i sat there with them for an hour, and i just couldn’t take it. i respectfully left, and didn’t talK to him for a week. one month past before i heard from him. he told me that they had broken up, and i was secretly happy. he then proceeded to ruin my happiness by telling me he was moving to texas. to dallas to be exact.

i can’t
breathe
without you
but I have to
breathe
without you
but I have to
breathe
without you
but i have to

i held my breathe when he saId we could still call, and possibly visit. i agreed, but i didn’t know how it would work out. the next four months felt like a week, and here i sit in the rain on his front porch. as i watch the moving van drive away, from a distance, i can see his face in the side mirror. i feel like our eyes have just met, and i can suddenly see everything we’ve ever gone through together. all of it starting at camp. i feel my heart begin to beat faster, and i start to see things in slow motion. i don’t know why, but at this moment, i regret never apologizing to him. i never said i was sorry for leaving his heart out in the rain. right now, i’m positive a movie moment will happen, and the van will suddenly stop, and he’ll come running back to give me one final hug. finally the van turned at the stop sign and went on it’s way. it was done, and over with. this isn’t hollywood, and this wasn’t meant to be. i just wish, i coulD say sorry, and tell him how lost i’m going to be without him.
sorry sorry
sorry sorry
sorry sorry
sorry